Navigating Grief - Raw Journey of Healing 🌪️

April 29, 2023

In the grand scheme of all of life's unexpected storms, grief has been one of the most tumultuous tempest for me. It blindsided me - and goodness, it did not come the way I expected for it to come. I had experienced loss, but not personal death loss. And I thought it would be my dog, Eliot, who I would lose. I had been bracing myself for his loss as I cared for him in end-stage heart failure.

Eliot had been such a loyal companion, and I loved him fiercely. My first dog, and the first animal I ever soul-bonded with. He had suffered severe abuse before coming into my life, and I was determined to give him a peaceful, loving existence and a serene end.

The Storm Strikes - Unexpected Losses 🌪️
My journey through grief began abruptly on January 15, 2015, with a call informing me of my elderly great uncle's passing. While I felt a certain sadness, my connection to him was not particularly deep, and my primary concern was for my father, who felt it deeply. The event also served as a stark reminder of our own mortality. Little did I know that a much fiercer storm was approaching. And fast!

Just a few hours later, I received another call—one that would absolutely shatter my world. My cousin Michael had been killed in a tragic accident. Struck by a snow-blinded driver as he crossed the road to the store, he was deaf and never heard the vehicle coming. Michael and I shared a close bond, engaging in daily conversations about books, history, philosophy, and even politics. His sudden and senseless death was unfathomable to me.

Season of Loss 💔
As I shared the devastating news at work, my colleagues, who had already offered condolences for my great uncle's passing, were taken aback by this second blow. While not purposefully unkind, some comments and reactions left me feeling like an outlier, an emotional anomaly. And the storm was far from over. Two weeks later, I received word of my foster sister's passing. A friend from our shared home reached out to deliver the heart-wrenching news. She left behind a husband, four children, and a thriving business. We had been planning to get together that coming summer, and her sudden death left me just shocked. Some suggested that a "foster" sister was less than a sister. Yet, we had lived through some very intense times, and had a deep bond. It felt harder to grieve when no one seemed to care or understand my loss.

The relentless storm of death continued. A school friend perished in a car accident, followed by another friend succumbing to cancer. Then three more friends passed away, all within a 10-12 week period between January and April. I felt overwhelmed by the sheer relentlessness of it all.

Many people in my life couldn't understand my reactions. They questioned why I was so affected by people I hadn't seen in years or wasn't particularly close to. These comments and doubts about my grief experience caused me to withdraw and avoid discussing it. My isolation becoming deeper.

The Final Blow 🐾
On April 29th, the cruelest blow arrived—my beloved Eliot passed away in an unexpectedly traumatic way. Rushing him to the vet, I faced the agonizing decision to let him go quickly to end his suffering. It was a brutal experience that marked the end of the season of death but began a prolonged period of grief.

Finding Colorful Coping Mechanisms 🌈
Navigating this grief storm was far from straightforward. It took years, with moments of progress followed by setbacks. The grief triggered nightmares, flashbacks, repressed memories of abuse, and eventually a PTSD diagnosis. My mother's passing, the end of my long term relationship, and empty nesting further complicated the process.

It was a journey characterized by unpredictable highs and lows, providing unexpected preparation for the pandemic that would later affect the entire world. My experiences went from something no one could relate to, to something that became normalized in certain ways. This was mind-bogglingto me. I still struggle with the abrupt turnaround at times.

I have always said "life's not black and white, it is full of color." Shade of grey too, but definitely lots of color. Raw, blistering red for grief and pain. Various shades of blue and purple while healing. Puckered pink scars in many stages of healing. Healing and scars are not about erasing the pain but about learning to bear the memories of the pain. Like universal lessons etched into our hearts that give us a deeper understanding of what it is to be human and how precious and fragile life really is.

I coped a variety of ways. Some healthy, some not. I could write a couple of books on that. What finally helped was no longer isolating myself and finding ways of expressing myself that didn't allow me to be hurt. That meant removing myself from toxic situations, activities, and anything that would exaccerbate the grief.

Creative Journaling - The Healing Power of Words and Images 📔
I've journaled my whole life, though not in the traditional sense. I don't write my daily thoughts down, at least not always. I write lists, ideas, stories, and occasional poems or parodies. Lists are a significant part of my journaling. I also write letters, some sent, some not. I used to think that I didn't journal because I didn't do the "Dear Diary, Today I ...." ala Bridget Jones Diary style or super insightful and elegant like a powerful guru or like Eleanor Roosevelt whose journals I adore.

That was just another way of judging myself. Once I realized that, I also let go of the idea that I had to journal in journals or notebooks. And I thought aout where I love to create. And that was powerpoint (ppt). Because my word is so much in creating exectuvei narratives in the tech and start up world, I have been using ppt for over two decades. So I started creative journaling that way. Digitially. Combining words and images, I poured my feelings and ideas into digital creative journal.

This blend of written and visual expression helped me navigate so much of the grief and pain I was going through. Journaling became a lifeline, offering some clarity or sometimes just a pressure releasefor my feelings.

Art as Therapy - Discovering Coping through Creativity 🖌️
Throughout my journey, I stumbled upon art as a powerful form of therapy. This was an extension of the creative journaling. Using ppt meant you had to have images. As I began to search for images I came across Canva. And over time that lef me to emoji. It's a long story that I won't go into this already much long post than expected.

I sought out art therapy nearly a year before I found emoji. I started with colored pencils, drawing, and guided sessions with a therapist. But as I got to really dig into my creative expression through art, it became my sanctuary, a space where I could communicate emotions that words failed to capture fully. As a writer and communicator this was another mind blowing experience for me.

Therapy - Seeking Professional Guidance 👩‍⚕️
Recognizing the magnitude of my grief, of course I sought professional help. Therapy provided a safe space to explore the depths of my emotions, gain insights into my coping mechanisms, and develop strategies for healing. This was a long journey too. I had to address my PTSD/CPTSD and deal with things I'd stuffed down all my life. I joined a PTSD group, I created and ran a couple of groups later on, I worked with PTSD specialist and talk therapist, and as mentioned, for a brief time, an art therapist.

It sounds simple and linear, all tied in a neat bow, when writing the experience down. Or as a reader of someone else's experience, especially when they are on the other end of it, like it was is over. That is not the case. It was horrible. Ugly. Brutal. Painful. Did I mention ugly? I would never, ever want to do through this period of my life again. I would never want to feel the pain and suffering like I felt.

But I would also never say I regret how well I know myself now. What I have learned. How much time I spent just understanding who I am, what I care about, and why. What I want to do with my time on this planet, because it is limited. That is one thing that grief taught me in a very big way!

Universal Languages - Emoji Expression 🌍
I've been into universal languages my whole life. I'm fascinated by things that unite people. Storytelling and music have been my primary passion, but I have always loved the idea of anything that unites. Amidst my art therapy, I found myself drawn to emoji. In the past I have ignored them because they were wordless and lazy storytelling, so I thought. But one of the side effects of my grief and pain was losing my voice. Literally.

I started stuttering. I had what they call PTSD fog. I would go blank when asked a question. For anyone this would suck. For a communications professional, this is not good. But it made me look at emoji in a different way. And how people use emoji. And the barriers that emoji communication pass right over.

They transcend the need for words while offering a direct pathway to expressing feelings. As I thought about them for months, and then eventually wanted to gift some emoji expressions to my loved ones, I just started thinking more about all of the potential applications for emoji / picture symbol communication. All the problems that could be solve. It was further evidence when I used emoji to connect with my autistic nephew at the holidays in a new way.

Then tWitch passed in December 2022, and I used emoji in my PTSD group to faciliate an open dialogue on suicidal ideation and grief. And one thing led to another, and voila! - Emoji Expression was born.

My experience with grief had reshaped my perspective, enabling me to connect with both myself and others in new ways. It was an added bonus that it also began to help me climb out of the suffering part of the grief as I began to create more.

Acceptance and Moving Forward 🚪
Another aspect of my healing journey was understanding my neurodivergent identity, embracing an official ADHD diagnosis and a suspected yet undiagnosed Autism spectrum disorder and processing disorders. At first I struggled to figure it all out, just like I did with grief. It was a problem to solve. But that didn't help. It made me feel overwhelmed and like I needed to figure it all out. And on top of everything, people just don't understand - and wowzers, are they judgy!

So I let up and let go. I embrace my unique brain processes and let them become a source of appreciation rather than confusion, much like my approach to grief. I learned that both my mind and my grief had a place in my life, and they don't need to fit into any predefined boxes.

Knowledge helps. I learn in bite-sizes now. Some days are good, some are tough. I learned how to take care of myself and how to deeply love myself. I've regained my voice, and learned to be patient when I am having a grief day.

Expressing my feelings, not isolating, creating, innovating, staying inspired, and communicating all help me hold back the grief or experience it in a way that honors the pain, but doesn't cause suffering.

I continue to live each day as it comes, focusing on happiness and eliminating sources of unhappiness from my life. Managing my mind, nurturing my heart, caring for my physical well-being, and safeguarding my peace have become guiding principles as I navigate a life with grief. Because a life well-lived, well-loved, is a life that will experience grief. It is a universal truth.... and journey. One we shouldn't be on alone.

I do not fully know where this journey will lead, but it is marked by resilience and compassion, where scars serve as reminders of the strength that lies within. And I will never, ever give up. And I hope you don't either. You matter. Your story matters. And your grief can be a way to heal if you express yourself through it. XO

Warmly,

Char sig